Life is a bitch. Then the hold music restarts just as a human almost answers.

Life is a bitch. Then you buy plants and they die from too much encouragement.

Life is a bitch. Then the photo booth prints everyone except the one blinking.

Life is a bitch. Then your password manager locks you out of your password manager.

Life is a bitch. Then the bus driver closes the door while you're still jogging.

Life is a bitch. Then the story you saved for later gets paywalled overnight.

Life is a bitch. Then you drop a noodle on the only clean shirt you packed.

Life is a bitch. Then the soap dispenser is empty after you already wet your hands.

Life is a bitch. Then the calendar invite was in a timezone you forgot existed.

Life is a bitch. Then you finally sit down and remember you left the stove on.

Life is a bitch. Then the zipper on your bag eats the only key you brought.

Life is a bitch. Then your favorite coffee shop starts charging extra for oat milk.

Life is a bitch. Then the captioning is two jokes behind the people laughing around you.

Life is a bitch. Then you burn the toast on the last two slices of bread.

Life is a bitch. Then the group project partner disappears until the night before.

Life is a bitch. Then the parking meter expires while you wait in line for change.

Life is a bitch. Then you sit on your own glasses after looking for them for ten minutes.

Life is a bitch. Then the microwave beeps until you open it, then beeps again.

Life is a bitch. Then your phone autocorrects the client's name into a vegetable.

Life is a bitch. Then the ice cream shop is out of the one flavor you wanted.

Life is a bitch. Then you wave at someone who was waving at the person behind you.

Life is a bitch. Then the only bathroom stall with toilet paper is occupied.

Life is a bitch. Then your headphones connect to the wrong device in a quiet office.

Life is a bitch. Then the grocery bag splits in the parking lot in the rain.

Life is a bitch. Then you remember the appointment when you're already thirty minutes late.

Life is a bitch. Then your umbrella inverts in a wind that lasts twelve seconds.

Life is a bitch. Then the software update undoes every setting you finally got right.

Life is a bitch. Then you buy the nice pens and they all skip on day two.

Life is a bitch. Then the restaurant is empty until you sit down and it isn't.

Life is a bitch. Then the last train leaves while you fumble for your card.

Life is a bitch. Then your sneeze comes out as a weird honk in a silent room.

Life is a bitch. Then the movie ticket app updates right as you reach the scanner.

Life is a bitch. Then you wash your hair and it rains the moment you leave.

Life is a bitch. Then the printer jams only when the deadline is in five minutes.

Life is a bitch. Then your browser reopens the one tab you spent all morning closing.

Life is a bitch. Then the elevator doors close on the person holding them for you.

Life is a bitch. Then you sneeze the second you take a sip of soup.

Life is a bitch. Then the Wi-Fi works in every room except the one you're in.

Life is a bitch. Then the battery percentage drops faster the closer it gets to zero.

Life is a bitch. Then you get the courage to speak up and nobody hears you.

Life is a bitch. Then the quick grocery run turns into an hour-long ordeal.

Life is a bitch. Then you finally remember the name of the song... three days later.

Life is a bitch. Then your coffee gets cold exactly when you sit down to drink it.

Life is a bitch. Then the self-checkout machine accuses you of theft anyway.

Life is a bitch. Then you buy the limited edition flavor and it's disgusting.

Life is a bitch. Then your weekend plans get canceled because of other people's plans.

Life is a bitch. Then the charger cable only works if you hold it at a 47-degree angle.

Life is a bitch. Then you get excited for leftovers and someone else ate them.

Life is a bitch. Then the no parking sign was hiding behind a tree.

Life is a bitch. Then you realize you've been pronouncing the brand name wrong for years.

Life is a bitch. Then your chair makes that one squeak every time you move.

Life is a bitch. Then you finish the book and the ending is terrible.

Life is a bitch. Then the estimated delivery time keeps moving further away.

Life is a bitch. Then you iron a shirt only to spill water on it immediately.

Life is a bitch. Then your playlist shuffles to the one song you skipped last time.

Life is a bitch. Then the free sample lady disappears right when you arrive.

Life is a bitch. Then you spend hours on a gift and they already own it.

Life is a bitch. Then your food delivery driver takes a scenic route through three towns.

Life is a bitch. Then you finally get the promotion and the raise is $2.50.

Life is a bitch. Then the five more minutes becomes forty-five.

Life is a bitch. Then you drop your keys down the storm drain at midnight.

Life is a bitch. Then the Netflix show you binged gets removed the next day.

Life is a bitch. Then you get the we went with someone else email after three interviews.

Life is a bitch. Then the group chat blows up while you're in the shower.

Life is a bitch. Then your new shoes squeak embarrassingly with every step.

Life is a bitch. Then you wake up refreshed and remember it's Monday.

Life is a bitch. Then the vending machine eats your last dollar and gives nothing.

Life is a bitch. Then autocorrect changes your heartfelt message to complete nonsense.

Life is a bitch. Then you finish laundry and realize you missed a sock again.

Life is a bitch. Then the pizza arrives with everything you asked them to remove.

Life is a bitch. Then you carefully parallel park and still get a scratch.

Life is a bitch. Then you pay full price the day before everything goes on sale.

Life is a bitch. Then your earbuds die right when the best part of the song starts.

Life is a bitch. Then the meeting that could have been an email lasts two hours.

Life is a bitch. Then you hit reply all with the wrong opinion.

Life is a bitch. Then the pants you wore last week suddenly don't button anymore.

Life is a bitch. Then you finally win the argument but lose the friendship.

Life is a bitch. Then the low battery warning appears right before directions are needed.

Life is a bitch. Then you spend twenty minutes writing the perfect text and get left on read.

Life is a bitch. Then your favorite song gets ruined by an ad every thirty seconds.

Life is a bitch. Then you open the fridge and remember you ate the last slice yesterday.

Life is a bitch. Then the package arrives damaged after three weeks of waiting.

Life is a bitch. Then you get stuck behind the world's slowest shopper at checkout.

Life is a bitch. Then you put your phone on charge with 1% battery and it dies anyway.

Life is a bitch. Then your alarm doesn't go off on the most important morning.

Life is a bitch. Then you realize the quick 5-minute task takes two hours.

Life is a bitch. Then your boss emails you at 11:58 PM on Friday.

Life is a bitch. Then you finally get a day off and it rains all day.

Life is a bitch. Then you discover bulgarian split squats.

Life is a bitch. Then your cat judges you for eating cereal at 3 AM.

Life is a bitch. Then you spill hot coffee on your new white silk pants.

Life is a bitch. Then you start coding in Fortran 77.

Life is a bitch. Then you marry one.

Life is a bitch. Then you die.